This shit is really starting to just break me down. My thought process nowadays is just fucked. I don’t understand how things have gotten so bad. Like one minute I’m missing him and then the next I’m hating him with all my guts because I’m thinking he’s with some girl or something. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I really so fucked up that I can’t even trust the person I’m supposed to love? Even though I keep trying to tell myself that it’s all his fault that I don’t trust him, which it partly is, I still know deep down that the fault is mostly mine. My insecurities have always gotten the best of me, after all the times I’ve been cheated on, almost been raped, and all the other shit I’ve gone through with past boyfriends. Why is it so hard for me to let it all go?

But like I’ve said it’s not entirely my fault. He hasn’t proven to me that I can trust him again, even without the issue of my insecurities. He still lied, that doesn’t change anything. But any normal person would just be able to forgive and forget. Me? No. I’m constantly being reminded of everything. Every. single. fucking. thing. The cheaters. The liars. The sick fucking bastard. All of the times I’ve been hurt and all the times my heart has been broken. Now i just think all guys are the same. Heartless jerks who don’t give a fuck. Why should this one be any different?

Maybe I should just give up on relationships for good. I mean every time I’m in a new relationship, a different part of me is broken. My self-esteem, my strength, my trust, my overall happiness. But with this relationship, I have put so much of myself into making this work and trying to be happy. I’ve wasted so much time putting in so much fucking effort and expecting a different result. But what to i get? The same dissapointments. The same fucking shit over and over again. I thought this would all be worth it, but damn, this shit is getting old. I can’t keep living my life like this.